i hate the news
Hello, I'm Nancy Grace.
You might recognize me from your cable news networks. I'm on TV a lot. I'm a very important lady, and my opinions matter more than yours. Oh, what's that? You don't like my hair? Don't mind my hair; it's just Satan opening a portal from my brain to the outside world. Yes, I'm the physical embodiment of pure evil. But really, none of that matters because you know when you see my mug on TV, something big is going down. A lot of people don't appreciate my work, but they don't understand just how insightful I can be. When I asked this little girl how she felt when she was kidnapped, and she replied, "I was scared," I showed America how terrible kidnapping is. Because of me, no one will ever be kidnapped again.
But enough about Nancy Grace. How about some real news?
Ever wish you had 20/20 foresight into the stock markets? CNBC can tell you everything you should have known 4 hours ago!
Would you like to catch up on the latest celebrity gossip? HLN (featuring Nancy Grace!!) has got you covered!
Do you wonder about minor tragedies happening in states you don't live in? CNN brings you these exclusive stories!
Did you know the government is completely dysfunctional? FOX NEWS hosts exclusive opinionists during prime time!
No, seriously. Do you want proof our elected officials are worthless? C-SPAN has LIVE coverage of your tax dollars being flushed away!
Have you tried all of the above and still not found news? MSNBC will cover a little bit of all that nothing!
Just put down the remote, and go to bed. There's nothing on.
Wait, TMZ is just starting again. I lied.