how to write a paper
This is a step-by-step guide to writing a college-level essay.
1. Read the assignment sheet
The absolute most important thing you can do to write a successful essay is to include all the required assignment criteria. Instructors don't care what you write; they just want you to follow their directions. When you break down these assignments, a paper is truly no more complex than a 5th grade worksheet. The main difference is the amount of pointless drivel included between relevant facts.
2. Brainstorm
Remember those brainstorming charts you made in middle school.. the ones with a circle in the middle, and then branching circles with "ideas" connected to that middle circle? Well, that was pointless. Real brainstorming consists of taking whatever ideas are currently bouncing around in your head, and finding ways to make them work in your paper. Song lyrics, catch-phrases, idioms.. anything goes.
For example, one night I couldn't stop thinking about the phrase, "tread softly, gentleman," so I took this phrase and made it into my conclusion: "When examined through the lens of the 21 st century, these women's ideas are certainly viewed differently than they were during the era they lived in, and if they were alive today, they would surely offer the following advice to us: "Tread softly, gentlemen. There are women about."
Does it make sense? Not really. But the thing is it doesn't have to. Let's face it, any decent instructor has read his/her share of horribly predictable conclusions, and by the time they've reached the conclusion, they've already decided what grade you're getting, so you might as well have some fun.
3. Make a statement for your intro
This part is key. You need to make a bold, borderline absurd statement for your first sentence. The more ridiculous you are to start, the lower the expectations the meat of your paper will face. "Lower the bar, your paper's on par," I've always said (starting now, when I invented that phrase).
I opened my paper on modernist women writing by saying, "Women: could there be a more outspoken collection of human beings?" I have now immediately established the fact that my paper will be riddled with relatable extremes, and since it was a woman grading my paper, I have shown my understanding of her kind. I'm already on her team, and the rest of my paper she will be forced to nod along and agree with, or risk losing a teammate.
Do not open your paper with something like, "The early 20th century was a blah blah blah I'm being deadly serious about blah blah blah," because that tells the instructor that you are going to make the next 5 minutes of their life hell. When they're grading a stack of papers, the last thing they want is to read the same old crap over and over. Trust me, there are plenty of other people in your class that will satisfy the instructor's momentary desires for dry writing. Writing something interesting gives you a leg up, regardless of whether you are right or wrong.
4. Distract your reader
The less you know about your topic, the more you need to butter-up your audience. You want to show that you're trying your best (even if you aren't, of course), but you want to be humble in admitting your lack of expertise. An example of a defensive distracting statement is: "The mind of a woman is a precarious creation, so let's hope this attempt at a womanly evaluation doesn't go too poorly. English language: be a light into the abyssal maw of female interpretation!" What we have here is 1/12th of a page in which I have accomplished nothing in regards to the assignment (good space filler), yet have shown a willingness to explore the unknowns of the interesting topic that was assigned to me. Instructors love this.
5. Stick to your thesis
Writing your thesis statement should be the hardest part of your paper, because everything else should relate back to it. Once you've decided on the angle you're going to take on your assignment, stick to it. Do not reason back and forth, and do not change train of thought midway through. If you're writing and realize you're actually wrong, ignore that realization and continue being wrong. If you sound like you know what you're talking about, you often become right. If the instructor thoroughly understands the topic, and thus knows you're wrong, well, you're screwed, and you should have been paying better attention.
You can always use alternative sources to back yourself. If you need to make a point and can't find any evidence to back your argument, use an off-beat source. Examples of these include fictional characters, alter-egos, and time-lost manuscripts. In a history paper, quoting an eye-witness's account that was simply never recorded is a valid source of information. It's difficult to disprove an invented source, and the worst grade deduction you'll get is a point or two knocked off for not citing your source in your references. Big freaking deal.
6. Have fun
Try to enjoy yourself. You write best when happy.
- If there's something you want to write, include it. Don't be rude, don't be mean, and stick to softcore swear words like "damn", "idiot", and "fugly" if you have a strong, negative opinion.
- Use commas whenever you want, and err on the side of not using one if you're in doubt. No one really knows all the comma rules, so punctuate your paper recklessly.
- Don't ever write how an assignment is pointless straight out; rather indirectly use your entire paper as a platform of demonstrating this idea.
- Know your professor, and write according to his/her interests. Your paper will be read once, and then it's going in the garbage, so don't stress out over it.
- Proofread anything you wrote after midnight, as it is likely riddled with logical fallacies and paragraphs of nonsensical ramblings.
- If you go on a tangent, make sure you're being obvious, and end said tangent with a humorous comment.
- If you can't meet the length requirement, turn in a shorter paper. Only use excessive filler if you're comfortable with the English language, as nothing is more painful to read than obvious filler.
The fact is you're probably an idiot if you don't enjoy writing in some capacity. Use whatever writing style you like best, and work your paper into that style. I've opened a history paper with an entire paragraph of rhymed verse, and the instructor liked it so much he read it to the class. I've written in informal first-person for supposedly serious English papers and gotten good grades (I've also gotten a few "see me outside of class" on these, so proceed at your own risk). The "college level essay" is whatever you want it to be. If you want to write a crusty manuscript like we've been trained to do, go right ahead. Just know that while you were whining about your 8 page paper, people who have read and understand this guide to writing have already finished, and had a good time doing it.