i have some news for you

It's not writer's block; it's having nothing to say.  Looking back over the past few months of my saved, uncompleted posts, I have begun to realize my ascent to insanity is finally reaching fruition.  Here is a nugget of wisdom from June that I felt no one would be interested in:

I often contemplate ketchup.  Balancing the imaginary flavor of ketchup with the tangible reality of my various fried potatoes is a sure way to whet my appetite.  I haven't had ketchup in at least 10 years, but I've trained my taste buds to transcend inter-dimensional flavor barriers in order to sample it daily.

There is something about this half-solid that makes me lustfully ill.  Such a responsive yearning for substances that make me sick is something I take pride in.  Gasoline fumes and Elmer's School Glue are two of my other guilty pleasures.  I also like the scents of a variety of cleaning chemicals.

And there's not much else to add.  I just ruined a luncheon of tater tots with a dose of imaginary ketchup.  I know that devilish bottle is still residing in the fridge.

Thinking back about it now, I still agree wholeheartedly with myself.  Ketchup is the blood of the devil, and tomato-based condiments not named 'salsa' are pretty much a waste of Italy's contribution to the world.

But back to the forthcoming insanity.  Actually check that; I'll make an entire post about it a second.  So yes, this post was essentially just a tomato trap.

late night antics

click for full size!

the county fair

I'm proud to say we have some of America's finest artists living in the Olmsted County area.  Between the cheese curd stands and the cow-judging barns were nestled a few exhibits showcasing the very best humanity has to offer.  Yes, I'm talking about the art galleries housing the always-fiery art competitions.  Dozens of artists submit their masterpieces to be judged by surely expert judgers, all in hopes of claiming the $3.00 grand prize.

And believe me, I know how fervent these contests can be.  I won the first place ribbon in the lego contest when I was a child-- I was a legomaniac.  I've been in a lot of competitions before, but county fair contests are more intense than every soccer game I have ever played, combined, sandwiched between a curling match and a round of senior citizen bingo.

Sometimes the judges get things wrong.  Normally I can deal with human error, but the following is a massive injustice towards creativity:

Second place?  Really?  A trifecta of duplo towers forming rainbow stacks of human emotion has always been first-place caliber work in my mind.  The careful color placement, the thoughtfully located eyes, and the absence of the color orange lead me to believe this was a treasure stolen from the tomb of Leonardo himself.  And second place?  No, dear friends, these monoliths are the three pillars of humanity, and I hate being told we're leaving in a second-tier world.

business ideas

Alright, I've come up with a few new business ideas that I plan to put in motion after school.  Here is the one that I've fleshed out the most.

Cat-aurants

The basic premise of this idea is as follows: patrons enter the restaurant (cataurant) and are immediately allowed to select a cat from a large cat-pen located in the entryway.  The entrance to the cataurant will be shaped like cats.  There will be all kinds of cats, and I mean all kinds in the cat-pen.  It's important that patrons are both comfortable and attracted to their selected cat.  This will be their dinner guest.  Patrons will be allowed to select a number of ways they can style their cat, including, but not limited to: bows, ribbons, those cat shirt things, and x-mas ornaments.  All of these things will be safely attached to the cats by a trained team of cat-dressers (starting wage: $8.25/hr) with a special non-toxic glue that I am developing specially for this business.  Cats will be able to eat the glue.

After arriving at the table, the guests will then be reunited with their freshly-freshened feline friend.  A special cat escort wearing a top hat and with jingle bells sewn to their sleeves will bring the cat to the table in an intricate cage, and place this cage upon a pedestal in located in the center of the table.  This setup will be bolted to the table to prevent cat-theft.  The cat cage will be located out of arms reach for regularly proportioned people (so technically long-armed people could still reach the cat, but this is strongly discouraged.)

Once secured, the cage will slowly begin to spin.  It is essential to the experience that all guests receive equal views of all parts of the cat.  There will be an adjustable spin button for the guests to play with, but of course it won't reach lethal speeds.. just speeds fast enough to rouse a sleeping kitten.  I'm toying with the idea of this costing $0.25 per minute.  There will also be buttons guests can press which will activate speakers in the cage, so young children are fooled into thinking the cat is speaking.  The use of animals as a device of deception is a practice thoroughly ingrained in human society, and I want to embrace society.

When ordering, it is mandatory guests order for their cat as well (to help save on costs of running the place).  There will be a special "kitten menu" next to the "children's menu" on the menu.  These two menus will be identical.

It is important to note that at no time will patrons be allowed to touch the cat, as I find that concept to be rather uncouth.  They will, however, be allowed to prod the cats with special cat-prods that will be included along with the forks and knives in the napkin/silverware roll-ups.  These prods will be non-lethal.  Hopefully.  Patrons will be discouraged from licking their cat-prods after prodding, but will be allowed to take them home as a memento from their experience.  They can lick them at home, I guess.

As this is intended to be a family restaurant, teenagers will not be allowed in unless they wear a special cat suit, or are handcuffed.  Also, there will be an arts and crafts area where moms and kids can learn how to make a special cat Halloween costume for kids and adults.  And of course there will be face painting so kids can be cats, at least for a few hours.

sample photo album

front of house, cars, garage

front entry

back deck, flowers

living room window, bird feeders

backyard gazebo

back of house, tree that used to be small

deck, reading, vegetable garden

front field

Trying to figure out how to format these things.. why is this so complicated?

cats, seriously

I'm mostly certain I'm a cat trapped in a human body.  I spent most of my day rolling around on the floor telling a cat how soft it was, and that was my most successful day in weeks.

The simplicity of cat-life is appealing to me.  The necessity of food in any cat relationship is something humans should model our society around.  If we can reduce ourselves to our biggest problem being dinner not being served on time, I think we'll have reaching the pinnacle of existence.  I can personally attest that cats want nothing to do with me when full, but when hungry are the darndest, most loving balls of moody fur since cave-women.  One treat and we've built a functional relationship (fortunately, my friends accept either treats or nothing as payment for friendship, but I can't say that for everyone).

Why is it that a cat pawing at something is pretty much the most adorable thing ever, while a human groping for the same thing is positively repulsive?  I go to great lengths setting up situations for cats in which pawing is encouraged.

Today, I personally waited an hour longer than I was supposed to when feeding this cat.  Why?  Because I wanted to feel needed.  Cat did not disappoint.  Fueled by her inability to open closet doors, this cat played with me for the afternoon until I decided the punishment was no longer just unusual, but both cruel and unusual.

come closer, kitten

Another cat mannerism I believe we should adopt is their walking style; cats are one of the only mammals that walk R R L L as opposed to R L R L.  More people need to walk with more bounce in their step.  Humans should also take pleasure in a good roll around the living room floor.  Cats do, and so do I.

Cats are quite practical.  I am currently suppressing my urges to wear a hat made of live cats.

sewing with nancy

Anyone else remember this fantastic public television show?  Well, I've made it better:

UPGRADING A SHREK TWINKIE

Today's lesson is one of many frustrations.  You will need:

(1) twinkie

(15) blueberries

(1) knife

(2) toothpicks

(1) an open mind

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Servings: 1

Difficulty: moderate

You can find these twinkies at your local store.  Expect your checker-outer woman to make a snide comment about how gross these look (mine did, but when she saw I was also buying green jello she realized it was part of a larger problem I have).

Take your twinkie out and place it on the operating table:

Carefully slice your twinkie in half.  They are not very strong, and being too rough with them will cause unrepairable damage to the delicate calorie-sponge coating.

Now, start using your toothpicks to carefully remove the colorful innards of your subject.  This will take a while, as the sugar sticks to everything.  Try to save as much frosting as you can (i.e. don't lick your fingers too often).  When you're done your twinkie should look like this:

Gather your blueberries.  They'll go in easy, but be careful not to over-stuff.  You must preserve the aerodynamic twinkie shape at all costs (you'll see why in a second).

Ok, we're not looking too bad now.  If you used juicy berries you're going to have a mess,  but you can still pull this off.  Now, using the frosting you saved, we're going to cement the two halves back together:

The (optional) extra berries in this picture are there for added effect.

Alright, now that we've remade our franken-twinkie, it's time for some fun.

The rebels are no match for imperial twinkie bikes.  Consume at your own risk.

comments

Trying to turn on comments now that I have some spam filter in place.  That should block the ads telling me I need products I don't need.

insects

"Insects aren't bad."

Every time I'm caught complaining about an insect, someone tells me this.  It's one of those lies that is ingrained in modern society.  Let me dispel a few positive myths about insects for you:

Myth: bees don't want to sting you

Truth:  bees are the insect equivalent of human beings born with machetes for arms.  Good intentions don't prevent flesh wounds.

Myth: insects are industrious

Truth: insects have no idea what they're doing.  Watch a moth fly around, and after it flies in circlies for 5 minutes, it will then proceed to do its best Icarus imitation while fatally investigating the nearest light.  Destruction is the exact opposite of industry.

Myth: But what about ants?  They build stuff!

Truth: actually, they are destroying the soil with their unlighted tunnels

Myth: ants are the only ok insects

Truth: Ants are the only awesome insect.  Even so, they should be locked away in labor farms.

Myth: People eat insects

Truth: People also eat lettuce, but that doesn't make it right.

Myth: insects are a vital part of our ecosystem

Truth: if all insects would die, everything else would learn how to eat grass.

Myth: humans and insects can co-exist

Truth: insects are diabolical destruction devices hell-bent on perpetuating the species at our expense

Myth: there is no need to kill insects

Truth: what about the ones splattering all over my windshield?  I don't even have to try and dozens of insects thrust themselves upon my speeding deathbed daily.

Myth: insects can help us

Truth: given the chance, an insect will rip you off like a dirt peddler at a flea market

Myth: "A Bug's Life" isn't the best animated film of all time

Truth: it is.

Myth: spiders can be poisonous

Truth: Highly doubtful.  I've never been poisoned by a spider

Myth: but I saw this show on Discovery where they showed how great insects are

Truth: and I saw this show on SyFy where insects ATE people

how to write a paper

This is a step-by-step guide to writing a college-level essay.

1. Read the assignment sheet

The absolute most important thing you can do to write a successful essay is to include all the required assignment criteria.  Instructors don't care what you write; they just want you to follow their directions.  When you break down these assignments, a paper is truly no more complex than a 5th grade worksheet.  The main difference is the amount of pointless drivel included between relevant facts.

2. Brainstorm

Remember those brainstorming charts you made in middle school.. the ones with a circle in the middle, and then branching circles with "ideas" connected to that middle circle?  Well, that was pointless.  Real brainstorming consists of taking whatever ideas are currently bouncing around in your head, and finding ways to make them work in your paper.  Song lyrics, catch-phrases, idioms.. anything goes.

For example, one night I couldn't stop thinking about the phrase, "tread softly, gentleman," so I took this phrase and made it into my conclusion: "When examined through the lens of the 21 st century, these women's ideas are certainly viewed differently than they were during the era they lived in, and if they were alive today, they would surely offer the following advice to us: "Tread softly, gentlemen.  There are women about."

Does it make sense?  Not really.  But the thing is it doesn't have to.  Let's face it, any decent instructor has read his/her share of horribly predictable conclusions, and by the time they've reached the conclusion, they've already decided what grade you're getting, so you might as well have some fun.

3.  Make a statement for your intro

This part is key.  You need to make a bold, borderline absurd statement for your first sentence.  The more ridiculous you are to start, the lower the expectations the meat of your paper will face.  "Lower the bar, your paper's on par," I've always said (starting now, when I invented that phrase).

I opened my paper on modernist women writing by saying, "Women: could there be a more outspoken collection of human beings?"  I have now immediately established the fact that my paper will be riddled with relatable extremes, and since it was a woman grading my paper, I have shown my understanding of her kind.  I'm already on her team, and the rest of my paper she will be forced to nod along and agree with, or risk losing a teammate.

Do not open your paper with something like, "The early 20th century was a blah blah blah I'm being deadly serious about blah blah blah," because that tells the instructor that you are going to make the next 5 minutes of their life hell.  When they're grading a stack of papers, the last thing they want is to read the same old crap over and over.  Trust me, there are plenty of other people in your class that will satisfy the instructor's momentary desires for dry writing.  Writing something interesting gives you a leg up, regardless of whether you are right or wrong.

4. Distract your reader

The less you know about your topic, the more you need to butter-up your audience.  You want to show that you're trying your best (even if you aren't, of course), but you want to be humble in admitting your lack of expertise.  An example of a defensive distracting statement is: "The mind of a woman is a precarious creation, so let's hope this attempt at a womanly evaluation doesn't go too poorly.  English language: be a light into the abyssal maw of female interpretation!"  What we have here is 1/12th of a page in which I have accomplished nothing in regards to the assignment (good space filler), yet have shown a willingness to explore the unknowns of the interesting topic that was assigned to me.  Instructors love this.

5. Stick to your thesis

Writing your thesis statement should be the hardest part of your paper, because everything else should relate back to it.  Once you've decided on the angle you're going to take on your assignment, stick to it.  Do not reason back and forth, and do not change train of thought midway through.  If you're writing and realize you're actually wrong, ignore that realization and continue being wrong.  If you sound like you know what you're talking about, you often become right.  If the instructor thoroughly understands the topic, and thus knows you're wrong, well, you're screwed, and you should have been paying better attention.

You can always use alternative sources to back yourself.  If you need to make a point and can't find any evidence to back your argument, use an off-beat source.  Examples of these include fictional characters, alter-egos, and time-lost manuscripts.  In a history paper, quoting an eye-witness's account that was simply never recorded is a valid source of information.  It's difficult to disprove an invented source, and the worst grade deduction you'll get is a point or two knocked off for not citing your source in your references.  Big freaking deal.

6. Have fun

Try to enjoy yourself.  You write best when happy.

• If there's something you want to write, include it.  Don't be rude, don't be mean, and stick to softcore swear words like "damn", "idiot", and "fugly" if you have a strong, negative opinion.
• Use commas whenever you want, and err on the side of not using one if you're in doubt.  No one really knows all the comma rules, so punctuate your paper recklessly.
• Don't ever write how an assignment is pointless straight out; rather indirectly use your entire paper as a platform of demonstrating this idea.
• Know your professor, and write according to his/her interests.  Your paper will be read once, and then it's going in the garbage, so don't stress out over it.
• Proofread anything you wrote after midnight, as it is likely riddled with logical fallacies and paragraphs of nonsensical ramblings.
• If you go on a tangent, make sure you're being obvious, and end said tangent with a humorous comment.
• If you can't meet the length requirement, turn in a shorter paper.  Only use excessive filler if you're comfortable with the English language, as nothing is more painful to read than obvious filler.

The fact is you're probably an idiot if you don't enjoy writing in some capacity.  Use whatever writing style you like best, and work your paper into that style.  I've opened a history paper with an entire paragraph of rhymed verse, and the instructor liked it so much he read it to the class.  I've written in informal first-person for supposedly serious English papers and gotten good grades (I've also gotten a few "see me outside of class" on these, so proceed at your own risk).  The "college level essay" is whatever you want it to be.  If you want to write a crusty manuscript like we've been trained to do, go right ahead.  Just know that while you were whining about your 8 page paper, people who have read and understand this guide to writing have already finished, and had a good time doing it.