sample photo album

Trying to figure out how to format these things.. why is this so complicated?

cats, seriously

I'm mostly certain I'm a cat trapped in a human body.  I spent most of my day rolling around on the floor telling a cat how soft it was, and that was my most successful day in weeks.

The simplicity of cat-life is appealing to me.  The necessity of food in any cat relationship is something humans should model our society around.  If we can reduce ourselves to our biggest problem being dinner not being served on time, I think we'll have reaching the pinnacle of existence.  I can personally attest that cats want nothing to do with me when full, but when hungry are the darndest, most loving balls of moody fur since cave-women.  One treat and we've built a functional relationship (fortunately, my friends accept either treats or nothing as payment for friendship, but I can't say that for everyone).

Why is it that a cat pawing at something is pretty much the most adorable thing ever, while a human groping for the same thing is positively repulsive?  I go to great lengths setting up situations for cats in which pawing is encouraged.

Today, I personally waited an hour longer than I was supposed to when feeding this cat.  Why?  Because I wanted to feel needed.  Cat did not disappoint.  Fueled by her inability to open closet doors, this cat played with me for the afternoon until I decided the punishment was no longer just unusual, but both cruel and unusual.

Another cat mannerism I believe we should adopt is their walking style; cats are one of the only mammals that walk R R L L as opposed to R L R L.  More people need to walk with more bounce in their step.  Humans should also take pleasure in a good roll around the living room floor.  Cats do, and so do I.

Cats are quite practical.  I am currently suppressing my urges to wear a hat made of live cats.

sewing with nancy

Anyone else remember this fantastic public television show?  Well, I've made it better:

UPGRADING A SHREK TWINKIE

Today's lesson is one of many frustrations.  You will need:

(1) twinkie

(15) blueberries

(1) knife

(2) toothpicks

(1) an open mind

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Servings: 1

Difficulty: moderate

You can find these twinkies at your local store.  Expect your checker-outer woman to make a snide comment about how gross these look (mine did, but when she saw I was also buying green jello she realized it was part of a larger problem I have).

Take your twinkie out and place it on the operating table:

Carefully slice your twinkie in half.  They are not very strong, and being too rough with them will cause unrepairable damage to the delicate calorie-sponge coating.

Now, start using your toothpicks to carefully remove the colorful innards of your subject.  This will take a while, as the sugar sticks to everything.  Try to save as much frosting as you can (i.e. don't lick your fingers too often).  When you're done your twinkie should look like this:

Gather your blueberries.  They'll go in easy, but be careful not to over-stuff.  You must preserve the aerodynamic twinkie shape at all costs (you'll see why in a second).

Ok, we're not looking too bad now.  If you used juicy berries you're going to have a mess,  but you can still pull this off.  Now, using the frosting you saved, we're going to cement the two halves back together:

Alright, now that we've remade our franken-twinkie, it's time for some fun.

The rebels are no match for imperial twinkie bikes.  Consume at your own risk.

comments

Trying to turn on comments now that I have some spam filter in place.  That should block the ads telling me I need products I don't need.

insects

"Insects aren't bad."

Every time I'm caught complaining about an insect, someone tells me this.  It's one of those lies that is ingrained in modern society.  Let me dispel a few positive myths about insects for you:

Myth: bees don't want to sting you

Truth:  bees are the insect equivalent of human beings born with machetes for arms.  Good intentions don't prevent flesh wounds.

Myth: insects are industrious

Truth: insects have no idea what they're doing.  Watch a moth fly around, and after it flies in circlies for 5 minutes, it will then proceed to do its best Icarus imitation while fatally investigating the nearest light.  Destruction is the exact opposite of industry.

Myth: But what about ants?  They build stuff!

Truth: actually, they are destroying the soil with their unlighted tunnels

Myth: ants are the only ok insects

Truth: Ants are the only awesome insect.  Even so, they should be locked away in labor farms.

Myth: People eat insects

Truth: People also eat lettuce, but that doesn't make it right.

Myth: insects are a vital part of our ecosystem

Truth: if all insects would die, everything else would learn how to eat grass.

Myth: humans and insects can co-exist

Truth: insects are diabolical destruction devices hell-bent on perpetuating the species at our expense

Myth: there is no need to kill insects

Truth: what about the ones splattering all over my windshield?  I don't even have to try and dozens of insects thrust themselves upon my speeding deathbed daily.

Myth: insects can help us

Truth: given the chance, an insect will rip you off like a dirt peddler at a flea market

Myth: "A Bug's Life" isn't the best animated film of all time

Truth: it is.

Myth: spiders can be poisonous

Truth: Highly doubtful.  I've never been poisoned by a spider

Myth: but I saw this show on Discovery where they showed how great insects are

Truth: and I saw this show on SyFy where insects ATE people

how to write a paper

This is a step-by-step guide to writing a college-level essay.

1. Read the assignment sheet

The absolute most important thing you can do to write a successful essay is to include all the required assignment criteria.  Instructors don't care what you write; they just want you to follow their directions.  When you break down these assignments, a paper is truly no more complex than a 5th grade worksheet.  The main difference is the amount of pointless drivel included between relevant facts.

2. Brainstorm

Remember those brainstorming charts you made in middle school.. the ones with a circle in the middle, and then branching circles with "ideas" connected to that middle circle?  Well, that was pointless.  Real brainstorming consists of taking whatever ideas are currently bouncing around in your head, and finding ways to make them work in your paper.  Song lyrics, catch-phrases, idioms.. anything goes.

For example, one night I couldn't stop thinking about the phrase, "tread softly, gentleman," so I took this phrase and made it into my conclusion: "When examined through the lens of the 21 st century, these women's ideas are certainly viewed differently than they were during the era they lived in, and if they were alive today, they would surely offer the following advice to us: "Tread softly, gentlemen.  There are women about."

Does it make sense?  Not really.  But the thing is it doesn't have to.  Let's face it, any decent instructor has read his/her share of horribly predictable conclusions, and by the time they've reached the conclusion, they've already decided what grade you're getting, so you might as well have some fun.

3.  Make a statement for your intro

This part is key.  You need to make a bold, borderline absurd statement for your first sentence.  The more ridiculous you are to start, the lower the expectations the meat of your paper will face.  "Lower the bar, your paper's on par," I've always said (starting now, when I invented that phrase).

I opened my paper on modernist women writing by saying, "Women: could there be a more outspoken collection of human beings?"  I have now immediately established the fact that my paper will be riddled with relatable extremes, and since it was a woman grading my paper, I have shown my understanding of her kind.  I'm already on her team, and the rest of my paper she will be forced to nod along and agree with, or risk losing a teammate.

Do not open your paper with something like, "The early 20th century was a blah blah blah I'm being deadly serious about blah blah blah," because that tells the instructor that you are going to make the next 5 minutes of their life hell.  When they're grading a stack of papers, the last thing they want is to read the same old crap over and over.  Trust me, there are plenty of other people in your class that will satisfy the instructor's momentary desires for dry writing.  Writing something interesting gives you a leg up, regardless of whether you are right or wrong.

4. Distract your reader

The less you know about your topic, the more you need to butter-up your audience.  You want to show that you're trying your best (even if you aren't, of course), but you want to be humble in admitting your lack of expertise.  An example of a defensive distracting statement is: "The mind of a woman is a precarious creation, so let's hope this attempt at a womanly evaluation doesn't go too poorly.  English language: be a light into the abyssal maw of female interpretation!"  What we have here is 1/12th of a page in which I have accomplished nothing in regards to the assignment (good space filler), yet have shown a willingness to explore the unknowns of the interesting topic that was assigned to me.  Instructors love this.

5. Stick to your thesis

Writing your thesis statement should be the hardest part of your paper, because everything else should relate back to it.  Once you've decided on the angle you're going to take on your assignment, stick to it.  Do not reason back and forth, and do not change train of thought midway through.  If you're writing and realize you're actually wrong, ignore that realization and continue being wrong.  If you sound like you know what you're talking about, you often become right.  If the instructor thoroughly understands the topic, and thus knows you're wrong, well, you're screwed, and you should have been paying better attention.

You can always use alternative sources to back yourself.  If you need to make a point and can't find any evidence to back your argument, use an off-beat source.  Examples of these include fictional characters, alter-egos, and time-lost manuscripts.  In a history paper, quoting an eye-witness's account that was simply never recorded is a valid source of information.  It's difficult to disprove an invented source, and the worst grade deduction you'll get is a point or two knocked off for not citing your source in your references.  Big freaking deal.

6. Have fun

Try to enjoy yourself.  You write best when happy.

• If there's something you want to write, include it.  Don't be rude, don't be mean, and stick to softcore swear words like "damn", "idiot", and "fugly" if you have a strong, negative opinion.
• Use commas whenever you want, and err on the side of not using one if you're in doubt.  No one really knows all the comma rules, so punctuate your paper recklessly.
• Don't ever write how an assignment is pointless straight out; rather indirectly use your entire paper as a platform of demonstrating this idea.
• Know your professor, and write according to his/her interests.  Your paper will be read once, and then it's going in the garbage, so don't stress out over it.
• Proofread anything you wrote after midnight, as it is likely riddled with logical fallacies and paragraphs of nonsensical ramblings.
• If you go on a tangent, make sure you're being obvious, and end said tangent with a humorous comment.
• If you can't meet the length requirement, turn in a shorter paper.  Only use excessive filler if you're comfortable with the English language, as nothing is more painful to read than obvious filler.

The fact is you're probably an idiot if you don't enjoy writing in some capacity.  Use whatever writing style you like best, and work your paper into that style.  I've opened a history paper with an entire paragraph of rhymed verse, and the instructor liked it so much he read it to the class.  I've written in informal first-person for supposedly serious English papers and gotten good grades (I've also gotten a few "see me outside of class" on these, so proceed at your own risk).  The "college level essay" is whatever you want it to be.  If you want to write a crusty manuscript like we've been trained to do, go right ahead.  Just know that while you were whining about your 8 page paper, people who have read and understand this guide to writing have already finished, and had a good time doing it.

i hate the news

Hello, I'm Nancy Grace.

You might recognize me from your cable news networks.  I'm on TV a lot.  I'm a very important lady, and my opinions matter more than yours.  Oh, what's that?  You don't like my hair?  Don't mind my hair; it's just Satan opening a portal from my brain to the outside world.  Yes, I'm the physical embodiment of pure evil.  But really, none of that matters because you know when you see my mug on TV, something big is going down.  A lot of people don't appreciate my work, but they don't understand just how insightful I can be.  When I asked this little girl how she felt when she was kidnapped, and she replied, "I was scared," I showed America how terrible kidnapping is.  Because of me, no one will ever be kidnapped again.

But enough about Nancy Grace.  How about some real news?

Ever wish you had 20/20 foresight into the stock markets?  CNBC can tell you everything you should have known 4 hours ago!

Would you like to catch up on the latest celebrity gossip?  HLN (featuring Nancy Grace!!) has got you covered!

Do you wonder about minor tragedies happening in states you don't live in?  CNN brings you these exclusive stories!

Did you know the government is completely dysfunctional? FOX NEWS hosts exclusive opinionists during prime time!

No, seriously.  Do you want proof our elected officials are worthless?  C-SPAN has LIVE coverage of your tax dollars being flushed away!

Have you tried all of the above and still not found news?  MSNBC will cover a little bit of all that nothing!

Just put down the remote, and go to bed.  There's nothing on.

Wait, TMZ is just starting again.  I lied.

juice boxes

Juice boxes are to blame for my irrational thirst.

There is no other logical explanation for my un-tamable desire to consume beverages beyond my typically allotted portions. It has evolved from an obsession to inhale as many of my unlimited refills as possible at a restaurant, to a full-on stare-down with competitors at the dinner table.  If you want to see me mad, challenge me for the last serving of water from the family Brita pitcher.  That's the easiest way to ruin my day.  If there is one thing I demand from another in a social setting, it is that they surrender "shared" beverages to me should I desire them.  Continue to gorge yourselves on your yams and water lilies with your inefficient chewing motions; my throat will be curdling in ecstasy as I effortlessly suck down cool refreshments.

But no, I don't think it was always like this.  In fact, it wasn't.  As I greedily count my remaining Capri-Sun pouches, ensuring no one has been tampering with my Mountain Cooler cache in the fridge, I recall the days when this action was what dreams were made of.  I cannot remember why I was limited in my juice box lust throughout my childhood; I just know that it was.  I don't blame anyone for it, at least not openly, but many-a-night has my pillow endured my salty, dehydrated tears.

Juice boxes bring back the good memories-- the moments where I, like a hummingbird, would rupture the circular foil seals with my angled, plastic straws to get at the sweet nectars inside, and the days when I traded away my lunch for a second drink-- but it also brings back the bad.  The moments of unchecked jealousy I endured when someone had a juice box at school, and I didn't, are fresh in my mind.  And the seething hatred I harbor for people who were unable to finish these 6.75oz love-boxes is a burden I will carry from this world to the next.  Aside from the times I spent collecting ants in the bushes, all I remember about elementary school are my feelings for juice boxes.

But there is still hope for humanity.  My esophagus aches for the future day, when upon arriving at a host's house, his/her fridges are brimming with juice boxes of all varieties, which they will reveal to me while dropping to their knees, bemoaning past ways they have thirstily wronged me, and between broken sobs they will cry, "these are all for you, and when you finish them, I will provide you with more."  And if you think you have always satisfied my thirst, well, you haven't, and I'll be happy to point out your liquid shortcomings.  Repent, you cottonmouthed fools!

Now excuse me as I resume my worship of the Egyptian water-God Nu.  And also as I go downstairs to ensure thirst-gremlins haven't been meddling with my juice box supply.  I hate those guys.

my room

My room still looks like a 5 year old lives in it.  Starting with the walls:

Wall 1:

framed hockey print featuring the uniforms of the "next six" NHL teams (including the Penguins and North Stars)

1987 Twins v. Cardinals world series pennant

Pittsburgh Penguins team pennant

homemade baseball card display featuring my collection of Jacque Jones autographed cards (and my Jacque Jones promotional fishing lure)

a sports illustrated editorial about NBA player Alonzo Mourning's kidneys

a full size poster of the Mac g4 cube, and 20 inch monitor (circa 2002)

a cross stitch of a moose my mother made for me

Wall 2:

a poster saying "Antarctica: they were here first" featuring the Antarctic ecosystem (especially penguins)

a yellow, full-size "ferret crossing" sign

a cross stitch of 2 ferrets my mother made for me

a framed photo of a 10 year old me posing next to a dog (I have a thing for other peoples' dogs)

Wall 3:

2 full size posters of Carlos Valderrama

a poster featuring the original 150 pokemon

a frisbee with a Tom Brady picture glued to the top of it which my father made me

a StarTribune promotional poster of former Twins player Luis Rivas

a magazine centerfold of the ps2 game "GTA: Vice City

3 Hamtaro pictures which I colored myself

a poster of 2 Javelinas (my favorite wild pigs)

a cloth hanging featuring the rugby nations of the world

a hanging mesh basket containing roughly a dozen stuffed penguins

Wall 4:

the Post Bulletin front sports page from 2001 when the Patriots won the Super Bowl

a 12 by 12 watercolor I did in 12th grade of a set of keys

2 posters of my favorite indie  band Ozma

a Winnie the Pooh calender from 2002

a bulletin board with an assortment of tacked on photos of my childhood

and the closet doors on this wall are covered with SI for Kids "Future Stars" posters of mostly irrelevant soccer players

All this crap makes me feel good.  It is cluttered?  Absolutely.  Do I ever consider updating it?  Sure.  But then again, I'd be lying if I said I had outgrown this stuff.  I loathe houses where the inhabitants have all sorts of decorative crap that just looks good, yet serves no representative function.  It's like walking into a museum.  People are mismatched, and our homes should reflect this.  What a sad, lonely existence people must live in their professionally decorated homes.  When people look at their walls before going to sleep, the absolute most comforting thing they could possibly see are a pair of wild pigs.

goodbye iowa

iowa highway

is this a windmill tour?

bye windmills. hi farms

one two three four five

oh god a station i like!

if my amp had wheels

my lungs are tired

a peaceful easy feeling

i know all the words

I just passed a cow

and I asked it how

it liked its grass green

and it was like "wow"

the field is brown

which does make me frown

but oh soon enough

the corn has a crown

i gotta hold it

i gotta hold it

oh please oh please

mile 217

modern rest area

my post-iowa release